Trauma
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ere’s an interesting thing about trauma. Many people who have had difficult events in their lives, and suffer from their impacts, don’t even know that they’ve been traumatized. Trauma is a tricky word. When we hear “trauma” we think of 9/11, we think of being a victim of a violent crime, or suffering physical or sexual abuse, and yes, those are certainly traumatic.
But so is being bullied on the schoolyard in 6th grade. So is being told by a boyfriend or girlfriend that we aren’t attractive enough, or smart enough, or enough period. So is having a parent come home night after night angry and stressed and unavailable. So is living with a loved one who is so wrapped up in themselves that we feel unimportant, unheard, and unloved.
Trauma comes in all sizes and shapes.
It is less about how big or small the trauma was, than how it is impacting your life now.
- Do you struggle to feel you have a voice?
- Do you often feel self-conscious and “not good enough” around others?
- Do you put others wants before your own needs, and then wonder why you can’t achieve what you want in life?
Little t traumas don’t have the same gravitas in many people’s minds, but they are no less damaging. Little t traumas, especially those that start or happen in childhood, can get woven into our identify.
When our overstressed parent has no time for us, or our parents divorce gets ugly, we can end up believing that we are the cause of their trouble. It’s our fault.
When our partner has an emotional affair, we think we aren’t desirable or interesting enough.
When our 3rd grade teacher tells us all the other kids can do something we can’t, we believe we are stupid.
When we have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for any length of time, we believe we are ugly, lazy, or generally ‘not good enough.’
If you have harsh or negative beliefs about yourself and can’t figure out why you feel this way, and you can’t seem to “positive affirmation” your way out of it, it may be that there are some hidden little t traumas in your past that are driving your low self-esteem.
I work with people who have experienced all kinds of trauma, including relationship trauma, and know the healing power of looking at what hurts you and how it keeps hurting you, within the context of a safe and accepting therapeutic relationship. I also know that doing this work can be hard, but you don’t have to do it alone.
